Slayer In Training

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2011-09-29T05:42:00.001-07:00

Revamp....

2011-08-18T05:54:00.000-07:00

I still hold claim as Slayer in Training. However the mindset and focus of this blog is going to be changing, that to self-acceptance.

My chronics have not been kind to me. But it's time I am kind to me.

Stay tuned.....

Goodreads | Headacheslayer's review of The Kid Table

2010-10-25T03:47:00.000-07:00

Goodreads Headacheslayer's review of The Kid Table

A Guest Review at GoodGollyMissMolly.blogspot.com coming soon!

Still attempting to slay....another year

2010-10-22T03:15:00.000-07:00

It's not been the best of years for me since last I posted here. My pain has gotten worse exponentially (still working with a rheumatologist to get that diagnosed) and worst of all, I lost my beloved Grandma.

I've gained weight.....comfort food is called that for a reason.

I'm now in so much pain that simply standing for a shower must be limited to 5-10 minutes, no longer or I"m ready to collapse. Walking, ditto.

But I don't give up. Hub is going to move the treadmill to another room where my daughter can easily use it. I'm so proud of her--my son too--for their healthy attitudes, eating well, and exercising in school and at judo class. I will be less likely to use it as a purse rack or a place to stack books out there.

I've read that even 10 lbs can make a huge difference for my knees (injured in a fall 5 yrs ago).

I'm not in this to be a supermodel.
I'm not in this to be thin.
I think if I lose 50 lbs I'd be ecstatic.

Baby steps.

Day 1, take #39

2009-10-02T18:29:00.000-07:00

Today, eating has gone fine, for the most part. Except I went to bed REAL early/late, slept all morning and got up LATE. CFS crashy kind of day, including sleeping through a few doses of meds, so I was really terribly nauseous.

Good thing meal 1 was a protein shake, that helped a ton, plus some applesauce (I borrowed a fruit from a later meal and made it a larger serving).

Scale reads about 2 lbs lighter than office (the one they use for the Cornerstone plan). The main scale-one of those big old-fashioned balanced kind--is like 6 lbs off. I won't update my Traineo badge until I go for my monthly check-ins. I might update the text above, maybe not. I will probably weigh myself once a week just to see how I'm doing. I'm the OCD "weigh yourself every hour" kind of person so it's better to keep it pushed under the treadmill out of sight ;)

Stomach was still off, but the smell of hubby cooking early dinner was too much to resist. I'm sure I broke a few allowances, but it tasted good. Mashed potatos (with vegan butter), stir fry chicken a la coq au vin with some bacon (there's the bad), peas, corn and carrots (aka clean out the freezer). It's boneless, skinless breast meat, just a hint of olive oil.

I still have at least a shake left, and a "bean quesadilla"--flour tortilla (flavored is delish too), smear of fat free refried beans, sprinkle of grated low-fat cheese, and ample plum tomatoes. Grill until tortilla is crispy, cut into wedges. One of the best snacks/meals EVER. Which is funny if you know that I had a vile aversion to tomatoes as a kid/teen. After I had JQ, I craved them. Go figure.

Waiting til next week to start exercise. We have a long car trip tomorrow (to see my nephew PoohBear, month old next week!), and between the agony of my OM, and JM throwing out his back at the same time, my treadmill is still a storage unit for clothes and a box of books. Oops. That's this weekend's task.

Eating tomorrow will be a bit tough, going to my mom's. But I'm going to do the best I can, watch portions, and get back on track on Sunday.

Thanks for the love from my friends--you all help me keep going!!
XO

Never Quit

2009-10-02T00:47:00.001-07:00

I am the epitome of "fall off the horse and get back up".

I'm back.

Today I saw my Dr. Awesome and restarted the Cornerstone program. In short:
There is a electronic measurement of your lean body mass and fat ratio.
A meal plan with 3 meals, 2 snacks, including 2 protein shakes a day.
YOU choose the foods, just stick to portion size and type (protein, starch, etc)
Exercise, length and intensity set by YOU.

Then you get a printout that calculates how much you get to eat, approximately how much a week you will lose, and your "first" goal that gets your fat ratio into a healthier number.

My weight at the office was 312--ironically, this is one pound less than I weighed last May when I had to quit due to my gallbladder surgery. My "first" goal is 211 pounds, exercising lightly 3 times a week, for 10 mins at a time. Time to dust off the Millenium Falcon ;) They estimate I will lose 2 lbs a week. I'm happy with that. With 101 lbs, that's about a year--and it took me more than a year to put on this much weight.

I am SO excited about doing this. It's really simple once you get the hang of portions and figuring out what a food contains. Let me tell you, the food allowed is more than I normally eat. The key for me is exercise.

So I start "eating" to live tomorrow, with exercise soon to follow. I had an Osteopathic Manipulation (similar to chiro adjustment) on Tuesday and OMG my Fibro didn't like it. So I will have to take it a bit slower this week. Maybe even break it down to 5 minute intervals. It *is* in my bedroom after all ;)

Wish me luck!!

I'd prefer the hard way

2009-04-07T12:50:00.000-07:00

Want to know how I lost 9 lbs (so far) in a little over a week?

STOMACH FLU.

If I weren't so darn sick I'd say this was a silver lining. But I would much rather do it by eating well and exercising.

I'm still on antibiotics. Hopefully in the not too distant future I can go back to the "old fashioned way".

Tub Thumping

2009-03-07T01:17:00.001-08:00

I get knocked down
But I get up again
You're never going to keep me down
~~Chumbawumba

I have not quit. I am just too sick to exercise. It's the only thing that's going to get the weight off--I'm not eating much, not even enough to sustain my current body weight. With no telling results from my colonoscopy, I'm left with IBS as a diagnosis, and even that's not making me lose weight. (Prep day--whole 'nother story. I lost at least 3 lbs that day.) So my body has most likely gone into hibernation/starvation mode and won't. let. go. of the weight.

My poor beautiful treadmill is strewn with clothes and books. I got knocked down by the household germs times two, so yet another setback.

After reading PastaQueen's amazing memoir "Half Assed", I was so motivated, but no energy left.

Sometimes I think that after 4 years of trying and setbacks, I think "What's the point? I'm not getting anywhere." And I think that's the difference between me and PQ. I can't quite believe I can do it. I want to, really. But I constantly feel I'm fighting a losing battle.

But I get up again. And hopefully that will be soon.

Week 3

2009-02-08T06:49:00.000-08:00

For those of you not reading over on my main blog, I'm sick--possibly colitis, with an upcoming appointment to a gastroenterologist. My energy has tanked and eating hasn't been a priority :P So the silver lining is this week's results.....

Workout Days--2
Pounds lost--2
Pounds total--4
Pounds to Goal 1 (30)--26
Pounds to Final Goal (170)--166

Dr. Awesome told me to take it easy since being sick constantly will make me weak and dehydrated. She laughed when I told her the weight loss I was seeing on MY scale.

Trust me, I'd rather lose weight "the old fashioned way" instead of this.

Coming soon--I'll be reading PastaQueen.com's book "Half Assed" about her amazing weight loss through diet and exercise. Watch for the review!

Week 2

2009-02-01T10:46:00.000-08:00

I'm finally feeling that "endorphin rush" again! Booyah! I love being able to hook up my Zen to the treadmill's speakers and blast my workout music through the room.

This was finally a productive week!
Workout Days: 3
Pounds lost--2
Pounds to goal 1 (30)--28
Pounds to Final goal (170)--168

I can already feel a few slight changes in my body. I *hope* I can lose a bit more before my doc's appt on Friday so she can be giddy too ;)

Week 1

2009-01-24T14:00:00.000-08:00

I began working out on Wednesday.....let's just say it's been TOO LONG. I know I need to get used to exercising again (especially on a new treadmill--and let's face it, a home treadmill is never going to be as smooth as one at the gym). But OW. I'm not expecting much from this week--my workouts are slow and short for now--but I will keep to the weekly weigh-in format anyway.

Workout days--2 (it got cold. Hush. I had major sinus headaches)
Pounds lost---0 (I did lose a few ounces but I round up/down. So yay ounces!)
Pounds to goal 1 (30 lbs)--30
Pounds to overall goal (170)--170

Gotta start somewhere, right?

It's done! It's done!!

2009-01-20T02:29:00.001-08:00

The treadmill is all put together and in working order. I didn't get on it today--had a 24 hr flu bug that made getting to the bathroom difficult enough.

So tomorrow, on the auspicious Inauguration Day, it's a new start for me too. I will post random stuff during the week, with weekly updates on Saturdays.

Wish me luck :)

The Falcon has landed!

2009-01-18T04:08:00.001-08:00

My new treadmill got here the other day. It is slooowly being assembled. They don't tell you when you order it that the box weighs 200lbs and you need two big burly men to assemble it, plus a few more to move it to its VERY PERMANENT LOCATION. Even my missing gall bladder protested.

It is GORGEOUS though and I can't wait to have my first weigh in and workout. I've got some jammin new tunes to play through the MP3 speaker (Britney, PCD, Christina, Pink). The first weigh-in is a bit nerve-wracking, especially since the battery died on my scale back in September. So aside from the doc's scale *which I do not trust* (and loathe and despise) I'm not quite sure what my 2009 Slayer start weight will be.

It has been inspiring watching this season's Biggest Loser since most of the people (esp women) are more like me. Larger.

Jillian still scares the bejeebers out of me though LOL.

Updates soon!

A Whole New Year

2009-01-02T21:15:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has followed my main blog knows that 2008 was hell. I wasn't a "Slayer in Training" anymore--I felt like curling up in a hole and staying there.

But it's a new year, and though I don't really hold to the "resolution" thing, I do have goals. Similar idea, less guilt at the end of the year ;)

And THIS year, I have a new "baby" that should arrive in a few weeks:

SQUEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Financially and physcially, we had to give up the gym membership. But my treadmill will be in the bedroom so I can exercise whenever I want, bedhead or unshaved legs be darned ;)

I tell you, it was fate. I wanted a treadmill badly, and I'd been scanning the holiday ads. We got $$ from family and knew it was going towards this purchase, so when I was channel surfing and saw it being advertised on HSN......love at first sight!

Go ahead, laugh at my geekiness, I'm excited. I've even named her Millenium Falcon. And if I'm having a bad day? Well then the initials also fit ::snerk::

My husband ROCKS, he knows how much this means to me. And it was a bit more than we wanted to spend, but it was a great deal, great features, and the flex pay meant we'd get our tax refund in time to pay it off. I'll definitely review it....stay tuned for the 2009 Slayer in Training!

Exercise can be fun!

2008-06-15T23:15:00.000-07:00

Between my gallbladder pain and a bad case of tonsillitis/earache, I just set up my Wii Fit today.

OH MY GOSH it is so fun! I exercised for 20 minutes today (keep in mind, I've been stuck in bed for weeks for the most part) and feel great. I got to twirl "hula hoops" and do a little yoga. The people who made this are *amazing* and I *heart* them. It's honest--it measures your weight and BMI (If you have carpet, use the extra "feet" for the base, it makes a difference in the accuracy of weight). And it makes your Mii plump out, but that's ok. There are charts to measure your workouts, your progress and your goals.

Tomorrow, I'm hoping to try out a little Zumba with the kids. Pretty soon, I'm going to have my own little home gym, which makes it so much easier on my Chronics--and more fun. I'm looking into the Fluidity system and trying to find a fold-up treadmill for not too much $$. Plus some exercise DVDs--everything from Bellydancing to Burlesque ;) (Hush Goalieman!)

My diet is a bit on hold because of my sore throat, but I hope that the exercise will balance things out. Plus I would like to get a bit more exercise before my impending gall bladder surgery.

I tell you, RUN out and find a Wii Fit....it's worth every penny and it's a blast. I'll have to fight the kids off to get a turn myself ;)

Infomercial Junkie!

2008-06-13T01:02:00.000-07:00

So I have an insomnia problem and often get caught up in infomercials.

Well, my first purchased arrived.....ZUMBA! I have to say I can see the whole family using this system, because it looks so fun (and my daughter thinks the instructor is hot LOL I think he sounds like the Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan, so that makes me think he's hot ROFL).

The kids were practically fighting over the Zumba sticks (weighted sticks that sound a bit like maracas). I hope to give it a try tomorrow (this gall bladder thing is kicking my butt. Good thing I see the surgeon Monday).

My next obsession, The Fluidity system that looks like a Ballet barre. Again, DQ is interested, since she wants to be nice and strong for Judo.

BTW, the Bullet Blender is *awesome*.

So far, I'm down 2 lbs on my Doc-supervised diet. 99 lbs to go to my first goal!

Insomniac, signing out....

Wii will rock you!

2008-06-02T23:35:00.000-07:00

My husband took a trip to the local supercenter today. His intention was to get a replacement blender since I drink 2 protein shakes a day--and the pitcher to our old one cracked. (A new pitcher, since this is a "commercial" blender, was over $70!! Um, NO).

So I got two gifties to add to my Slayer in Training bag o' tricks.....a Bullet Blender (which so far, works great) and....

A WII FIT!!!!

I have wanted one, even asked hubby to pre-order one, but by the time we got around to it, with our trip to N. O., the only ones available were being sold at twice the regular price (or higher). Everyone else has been sold out, even all my trusty online sites.

I can't wait to set it up. With my Chronics acting up (and upcoming surgery), the gym membership has been put on hold. And with the Florida heat, I can exercise in my nice cool house ;) I will be sure to give a review once I've played, uh, exercised. ;)

The diet is going ok, sometimes it's tricky figuring out exchanges, because we have a pretty varied diet. The chocolate protein shakes have been ok, but OMG I had a vanilla mango shake today and it was awesome! Can't wait to try it with pineapple.

Thinking we were not going to be able to find a Wii Fit for awhile, I ordered some exercise DVDs--yes, I succumbed to an infomercial ROFL Both my daughter and I loved the idea, so I'll be sure to let you know how that goes when it gets here.

Just the thought that I have one of the most desired Wii accessories in America makes me feel a bit lighter already LOL.

I'm Baaaaaaack!

2008-05-29T13:01:00.000-07:00

Whew, that was a long hiatus! And with good reason.....for those not following over at GMS2SA, it's been a hard year. I dealt with a vitamin D deficiency (which caused extraordinary pain and fatigue), my MIL passed away in March, and I had a gall bladder attack while in New Orleans, which means upcoming surgery.

Due to an irritated gall bladder, I need to change my diet....and I'll have to stay that way after surgery as well. Good thing I had planned that already, right?

Before my trip, I talked to my doctor about the weight-loss program she had. Just like the Fat Smash Diet, this makes sense to me. It's a bit more strict, but she's had great results with clients, clients who are larger than I am (I'll be adjusting my Traineo stats shortly) and who aren't exercising.

Today I had my initial visit with the nurse who will be my advisor and support system through this. The goals are to lose excess weight and keep/increase lean body mass. I am using a protein shake supplement in addition to real food (the shakes are optional--and pricey--but I think it is the right choice for me at this time). It emphasises regular exercise, protein, fruits & veggies, and moderate carbs and dairy.

She will check in with me next week, and I go in once a month to check my progress. The cool thing is that it is completely individualized. And I eat 5 times a day.

I begin tomorrow. My starting weight (according to the office) is 313 lbs, and my initial goal is to lose 101 lbs (there are lots of cool pie charts with percentages and that's how we arrived at this number). She told me that after *that* goal, then we'll go by how I feel, how I feel in my clothes, and how I look in the mirror--it's not all about a number on a scale or BMI.

Off to go plan tomorrow's meals ;) The Slayer in Training is back!

Whole New Year

2008-01-03T16:11:00.001-08:00

So very long since I updated. Sorry.

If you've been keeping up with me on GMS2SA, you'll know I've been battling lots of pain and exhaustion--in part due to a Vitamin D deficiency.

However, I did step on the scale, fearfully, right before New Year's Eve--I gained 7 lbs in 2 months. I'm not beating myself up--I started a new med (anti-seizure), took steroids, and went through 2 Thanksgiving dinners and 2 Christmas dinners. Plus I can eat like a bird and not lose weight unless I'm exercising. I'm dealing with a cold right now, so I'm aiming to get back to the gym ASAP.

STILL--that means I lost and kept off 10 lbs in 2007. I began 2008 UNDER 300lbs. GO ME! :)

I've updated Traineo and will continue to use it this year. GM and I need to get back on FSD as well.

My goal this year is again 30 lbs. The Slayer in Training is back, if a bit worse for wear from 2007.

OOH and I even sold a SiT shirt on Zazzle, so c'mon, join the club ;)

NUTS about Nature Valley

2007-10-22T12:47:00.000-07:00

My Good Friend Charlie (patent pending LOL) sent me 2 packages of Nature Valley's new Roasted Nut Crunch bars, in 2 varieties: Peanut, and Almond.

They contain only 6 ingredients--Almonds, Peanuts, Sunflower Seeds, Sugar, Corn Syrup, & Salt. I would have liked to see them use an alternative to the corn syrup, but at least it's not HFCS. Each box contains 6 1.2 oz bars, and retail for around $3.39.

Each bar has 7 grams of protein, 2 grams of fiber, and no cholesterol. They have 200 calories per 1.2 oz bar, with 14 g of fat. Yeah, that sounds like alot, but nuts are the good fats. They also contain 6% of the RDA of Calcium and Iron.

Hands down, I LOVE these bars. I find they are a bit messy (especially with a son with nut allergies) so I tend to eat these over a bowl. I don't think they are as portable as they are touted, but darn tasty. They remind me of peanut brittle, and I don't feel bad indulging in these. I don't really notice a difference in the two flavors, so perhaps a bit of tweaking in the Almond variety is needed. Because I definitely will buy these again ;)

Rejection as Motivation

2007-10-04T21:59:00.000-07:00

So. Today was my consult with the plastic surgeon. I was turned down for 2 reasons--my BMI (too high) and the fact I wanted to lose more weight. She said I wouldn't be happy with the results, and could have complications for later surgeries. She encouraged me to come back when my BMI was much lower.

Dear readers, please hold back the "I told you so's". I never disregarded your comments, honest. I cried a bit from disappointment, and embarrassment.

The old me, however, would have taken the rejection and buried it in a pint of Ben & Jerry's. The Slayer in Training came home, dried her tears, drank an organic yogurt smoothie, and went to the gym. I'll admit that my knee-jerk reaction was to call another PS on my insurance. But I *like* her. I like her staff. They had plus-size gowns and large BP cuffs. And if she truly feels what she said--and it wasn't from a fear of malpractice--then I should trust her judgement.

Even if it means I need to lose another 116 pounds before I shed some of this old me with some nip/tuck.

I'm glad I went to the gym. My pain and fatigue have been pretty bad. I had to come home and nap. But I'm feeling the nagging doubt. In part because she did mention WLS, but wasn't pushy about it. I've lost nearly 50 lbs (from before I joined the gym in 2004), and I should trust that I *can* do this.

GM and I are going to start back on Phase 1 of the Fat Smash Diet--not for as long, but just to kick start our bodies again. One thing I am glad about--even though I haven't been to the gym and have been lax about some of my eating, I've maintained my weight for a month.

As I left her office, I told her I *would* be seeing her again. I'm going to prove to myself, and everyone that I can do this. Rejection as motivation--who knew?

Illustrating my point

2007-09-20T15:32:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite inspiration blogs, The Amazing Shrinking Mom ,talks about "Dieting naked"--blogging and losing weight for the whole world to see. It's one of the reasons I started Slayer in Training; not as a way of humiliating myself to lose weight, but to show what I'm doing, how I'm doing it, and as a way for me to see how far I'm going. Though I wouldn't dare go to a WW meeting and announce how much I weigh, I feel comfortable sharing here. Dare I say it? I want to be an inspiration too.

I'm so grateful for the encouraging comments lately, especially with my last post on plastic surgery. I'm glad to have friends who share their concern with something that is a very serious decision. But it made me realize that a handful of photos may not make it clear what I want to achieve with PS or why.

Now, I'm not brave enough to post "before" photos like some do, but I did some rough sketches on Paintshop using my last set of photos from August. When I say I need a reduction for both my breasts and pannus, I wasn't kidding when I said they are headed south. So... ::taking deep breath::

I don't expect to become a model after surgery. I just want to feel more comfortable, and sexier in the body I'm in. I want the outside to match my inside ;)

It is so difficult getting clothes that fit. In order to fit my stomach, the waist and legs are usualy huge. What I do hope is that there will be less pain and irritation, and that I'll be able to shop in the plus size department at Target instead of specialty stores or online. While I know the panniculectomy is a painful and long recovery (about 6 weeks) I distract myself by thinking about buying new shorts and lingerie, and being able to lie on my stomach comfortably for yoga or a massage.

I know that my current shape would draw criticism, jeering, or cruelty from some. It was hard for a minute for me to look at and not feel self-loathing. I look at those sketches and know that body gave life to 2 children, and is well loved by my husband. That body gets me through every painful day. It is my shape, but it is not my heart and soul.

Nip/Tuck Part 1

2007-09-17T12:55:00.000-07:00

Ahh, now for even more controversy......

Today I called a plastic surgeon.

For over a year, I have been contemplating and researching a breast reduction and panniculectomy (my stomach, thanks to 2 kids, weight gain, and weight loss, is headed South. WAY south.)

I've always been well endowed--while nursing my son, I was up to a 54I sports bra. I've gone back to a 48DD, but what hasn't gone away is the shoulder and neck pain. Both of those areas contribute to my TMJ and headaches, so I can't help but wonder if I might fix a few things by having the girls made a bit smaller and repositioned.

As for my stomach, I'm thrilled that it's getting smaller. But as many people know who are familiar with extreme weight loss and WLS posts, the skin isn't going away. No amount of exercise will make it shrink. And that comes with a host of problems that range from inconvenient to, well, icky. Irritation is putting it mildly.

Which brings me back to the doctor. I have a consult in October. The bad news is that she won't file for insurance on the panniculectomy. But I feel pretty confident that we will present a good case to insurance ourselves (and my regular doc is on board). Either way, it needs to be done.

I know that many people view plastic surgery as something vain or insecure people do. I used to be one of them until I started looking a bit like a Sharpei. But for me, I feel it's the right decision, and my husband supports me 100%. I asked him if he would be disappointed in my breasts being smaller, and he said he wouldn't, just so long as they were still there LOL. I've even talked to my daughter about this, because I care how this impacts her as a near-teen girl.

I know that some don't think it's worth the cost, monetarily or physically. I see the benefits far outweighing the costs, and I'm someone who is quite familiar with pain. Ok, I'd be lying if I didn't say the little bit of weight loss that will come for this is a perk. But the idea of not being extremely uncomfortable when I exercise, actually having clothes fit, and not having irritation will be much better rewards. This will open up other forms of exercise to me, like the exercise bike and yoga.

I'm glad the doc is a female--though I wouldn't mind Troy/McNamera being my docs either ;) (F/X show). I think I'll be more comfortable, and she understands how body image affects a woman.

I don't know how my extended family will react. I hope they will see the positive effects this has on me and will support me. Maybe some of them will think this is a waste of money, or that I'm being vain. But I have to keep reminding myself that this is about *me*. My body, my feelings, my journey to change what needs to be changed.

So, to my 5 whole readers (LOL), chime in! Ask questions! Just be respectful. I really believe in full disclosure on this blog about what I'm doing to change my body, my weight, and how I view myself as a person.

Swimsuits for BlogHer

2007-09-13T20:07:00.000-07:00

I'll be honest. I *do* airbrush some of my photos--but only blemishes (I'm 37 years old for pete's sake! Enough with the hormones!). But I was disgusted like most of the Blogosphere to see how a magazine photoshopped the gorgeous America Ferrera into some gaunt plastic freak.

So I'm joining BlogHer's Swimsuit Brigade!

This photo was taken 2 years ago on our anniversary cruise. We were in the Grand Caymans about to go snorkeling (my 1st time). It was *amazing* and I'm glad that I didn't let my fear of being seen in a bathing suit stop me. I'm a bit smaller now, and I'm more embarrassed by how dorky I look in snorkel gear than my size LOL.

Dare to share your real photos with Blogher! Size should not be a reason to avoid living.

Acceptance

2007-09-11T11:16:00.000-07:00

It took a long time for me to accept myself and love myself just the way I am. I had the unconditional love of my husband, my children, but I just couldn't bring myself to that same level of love and acceptance.

I've disliked my body for years. I don't know exactly when it started, but I remember hating being one of the first girls in 5th grade who needed a bra. I know I was pudgy back then too, maybe not so much to be clinically overweight or even obese. But I don't think that bothered me until middle school when we had to dress out for PE ::shudder::.

Ah to know *then* what I know *now*, I would have told my teen self to just wait--I was still growing and maturing into a future curvy woman. The curves just hadn't settled into their permanent spots yet.

By college, the body dislike turned to disdain and then hatred. The harder I tried to lose weight, to diet, the more I gained back. And let's face it--it's hard to eat well as a college student when the junk food is cheap and plentiful (and sometimes ::gasp:: free). Self now to self then--SHUT UP. You look GREAT!

A few years into marriage, I tried more diets and the disdain became hatred. Add postpartum depression and then 2 chronic illnesses, and I felt like the battle was over, and I was a loser.

But then I started reading books on how to love myself, exactly the way I was, fat and all. Such a novel, but simple concept. And I made a vow--no more crash diets. Be happy with myself. Radiate happiness--and that is exactly what people saw in me. The fat bashing? Only from clueless doctors who really couldn't help me with my chronics but felt compelled to point out my size. Other people complimented me. Big, huge, fluffy mama ME!

Having 2 children, however, did keep me from being short-sighted. I needed to work on being healthier. So in 2004, I joined a gym. My primary goal was to improve my health, my secondary was to lose weight. I have been quite fortunate that weighing over 300 lbs has not brought up weight-related complications (and I do not consider my chronics connected to my weight).

The last few days, I've read some "fat acceptance" blogs and realize that now, I'm the enemy. I no longer fit their cause. Because I'm eating healthier and losing weight. They say they have no problem with healthier lifestyles, they just refuse to believe it can lead to permanent weight loss. With minor exceptions, it's still basic science--calories in, calories out.

In the past 3 years, I've lost a total of 33 lbs. I've regained some, but I don't hold to the rigid notion that the scale has to keep going down every day for it to be a success. I have hormones, I have off-days, I have medications that affect my weight. But I'm a much better *me* because I'm living healthier.

I think that some women can be healthy at a larger size. And I don't think women should look like the scrawny models we see in the media. Even if I did, there's no way I could get there in a healthy way. But I think there comes a point (and it may differ for every person) when that weight is not healthy. I didn't say "gross" or "ugly" or "unattractive".

I don't think anyone should be harrassed, teased, or persecuted for their looks. BTDT and it hurts like hell. But thanks to this very blog, I'm no longer part of the Fat Clique, even though I am morbidly obese. One blog wouldn't even let me sign up to comment because of Slayer In Training. I can understand keeping away the trolls......but other than that, what are they afraid of? Me???

I understand being hurt, and I understand the fear. I know the shame of not being able to shop in freakin' Target because I'm too big. I stopped going to one department store because of their crappy plus size department and shoddy treatment.

But when you let that fear cripple you into inaction, you're not doing yourself a favor. I was terrified to exercise, because of my fatigue and pain. And some days it still isn't possible (thanks Big Red). But I don't give up. I don't lose faith in myself. I've found a stronger woman inside me. And that wouldn't have happened without me accepting myself. I'm a great person now. I'll be the same person when I'm a smaller size, just, well, smaller.

I don't have to be a minority or gay to stand up for equal rights. But I'm not about to sell myself short to be a part of a group that I see becoming more about the dogma than the people.

If that makes me the enemy? Their loss.

How to gain 10 lbs in 1 day...

2007-09-10T00:17:00.000-07:00

...get a puppy!

With everything going on, the gym and scale have been mostly ignored. But I've been getting my exercise, shopping for Willow. And I know that as she grows, she will be a great source of exercise. I'm already planning on obedience classes. It will hardly seem like a workout though!

I lost about a pound this week, and now that things are settling down, I'll get back into a regular routine again.

I cannot stress how important exercise is to my mental health. Losing Max was just devastating, and dragging myself out of the house was painful. But a good workout (even though it was shorter than usual) helped me feel so much better. It didn't hurt that my favorite gym employee sympathized with my loss by sharing his own a few years ago. Ok, so he's adorable, and gave me a hug ::grin::, but seriously, the whole thing turned my day around.

I see my doctor on Friday; I think she'll be pleased with the new lifestyle change. I know she's going to run my yearly labs--I'm interested to see how they compare to last year's.

Nada

2007-09-01T15:11:00.000-07:00

To be honest, I really don't care about the Weekly Weigh-In this week. Readers of my other blog know my beloved dog died yesterday. It was a hard, hard week, and going to the gym and eating "right" was last on my mind.

So I didn't lose any weight this week. I lost a total of 6 pounds for August.

I know I'll get back on track. My heart just needs to heal first.

Exercise in Frustration

2007-08-27T16:29:00.000-07:00

Another migraine--another day I didn't go to the gym.

::Primal scream::

I am so frustrated. I've missed going to the gym 4 days in the past week due to excruciating headaches. Naturally, I've plateaued (thank goodness the weight hasn't gone up!)

I've gone to the gym in pain (that's pretty much a given since I am in pain every day), and even with headaches. But migraines, nope. I'm lucky if the only exercise I get is getting out of bed and taking a shower.

After living with headaches for nearly 3 years, you'd think I'd get used to this. I just hate setbacks, especially when I'm all fired up. As I'll post over at GMS2SA, this may be due to a new headache preventative (HA!). Oh yeah, and a lovely side effect of the med is *weight gain*.

Ok, someone scream for me. My head's just stopped pounding, and I have to walk on eggshells the rest of the evening to keep the migraine monster away.

Tomorrow is out, so I'm shooting for Wednesday. Cross your running shoes for me!

One

2007-08-25T16:50:00.000-07:00

It realy *is* the loneliest number.

Weekly Weigh-In:

8/25/07: 288 lbs (-1)
2007 Weight Loss: -15 lbs
Goal 1: 15 pounds to go
Overall: 153 pounds until my Goal

Headaches kept me out of the gym 2 days this week, so I only went 3 days. And I didn't do the Arc Trainer either, my back hurt already. So this week was TTTHHHHHPPPPPTTTTT.

Hoping to pick back up some steam for next week. This is also the final week for Phase 3 of the Fat Smash Diet--and then it's anything goes (well, in moderation).

I may try to get to the gym tomorrow, since I know that Tuesday is out due to lots of family stuff going on. I think it would help this sluggish feeling I'm having (along with yet another headache, yay).

Thanks to my ever-constant cheerleaders, you really help keep my motivation up :)

Goodbye 290's!

2007-08-23T11:39:00.000-07:00

I've reached the halfway mark for Goal 1 (30 lbs). I know it may seem like a little thing, but being able to say goodbye to the 290's is awesome!

I keep a little keychain on my purse that I keep track of my weight loss (by 5's). So it was uplifting to put a "15 lbs" in place of the "10 lbs". And tomorrow I order my shirt, reward #1, WOO! I've got my sights on my 2nd reward--a keyboard that lights up. My eyes can use all the help they can get at night when I'm surfing the net ;)

It's also my 3 year anniversary of joining the gym, and the start of my weight loss journey. Since then, I've lost 32 lbs (more, even, from my highest weight). I will see my doctor in about 3 weeks, and even though her scale reads heavy (let's see a raising of hands for people who hate that) I know it will show a weight loss on my chart. I know she'll be excited for me!

Fifteen down, fifteen to go!

Inch by Inch

2007-08-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

This losing weight thing is SO DARNED SLOW. I feel like I'm trying to climb down a mountain with my fingernails. Nah, I'm not impatient ;)

I haven't been measuring myself this time around, because of the, um, continental drift. But I'm starting to see a hint of cheekbones, so that's been encouraging. And I feel more toned in my legs, and skin is getting a bit loose (that gets both a yay and a boo! lol)

Turns out I tempted fate, or Big Red rather, because after last week's post, she fought back, as you'll see in my
Weekly Weigh-In:

8/18/07: 289 lbs (-1)
2007 Weight Loss: -14 lbs
Goal 1: 16 pounds to go
Overall: 154 pounds until my Goal

Only one pound. ::Sigh:: But I have lost 5 pounds this month, so I try hard to not get too discouraged. ONE MORE POUND and I am ordering my Slayer in Training tshirt :) But every month I am going down slowly--in the past 3 years I had months where I didn't lose much, or even gained, so hooray for the Fat Smash Diet! It's really a breeze to be on at this stage.

I'm dog tired this week, not sure if it's my hormones, the heat, or my CFS flaring up. My nickname should be Rumplestilskin, I'm sleeping that much.

Putting it into perspective

2007-08-12T18:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it takes some "Then & Now" photos to show me how hard I've worked over the past 3 years. I think the hair style I have now is here to stay LOL.

I've tried to promise myself that when I look back, I don't want to look at my old photos and feel self-hatred. But holy cow, my hair looks awful in that first photo! Bad roots, bad roots! Adn to be fair to myself, the first few photos were right around the 3 hurricanes we had--I puff up like a balloon for some reason (and it wasn't just nervous eating).

Click to embiggen (if you dare!)

Just what the Dr. Ordered!

2007-08-12T13:52:00.000-07:00

My good friend Charlie knows I like cereal. Wait, I LOVE cereal. It's good for any meal of the day! And in the Fat Smash Diet, Dr. Ian Smith encourages whole grains, and cereal starting in Phase 2. So Charlie sent me a box of General Mills' Fiber One Raisin Bran Clusters (part of their Whole Grain product line).

It's described as "Lightly sweetened wheat & Bran flakes with plump raisins and clusters." It looks pretty good, and though the box says that a serving is 1 cup, I'm allowed 1 1/2 cups per the FSD.

Overall, the flavor is good. My first impression of the flakes is that the texture was a bit too flat. But adding the tasty raisins and clusters makes up for that. And it doesn't get soggy in milk, so that's a big plus. As I continued having this cereal each day, it grew on me, and I'd definitely buy more in the future (which I did, because my daughter threw the box away before I could write this review LOL).

I'm pleased by the nutritional content as well--a one cup serving (without milk) has 170 calories and only 1 gram of fat. There are 11 grams of dietary fiber (something I really need with all my medications). That's 43% of the RDA of fiber! While it lacks Vitamin C, it does have a 6%-25% content of other vitamins and minerals.

Those who've read my reviews on GMS2SA know I'm a stickler when it comes to High Fructose Corn Syrup. While this cereal does contain sweeteners (brown sugar, corn syrup, brown sugar syrup, honey, and malt syrup) it does NOT have HFCS. Hooray! And it has lots of whole grains, from whole grain wheat and oats.

You can find out more at http://www.fiberone.com/raisin_bran.html.

Getting High

2007-08-11T11:40:00.000-07:00

On endorphins, that is ;)

Exercising has become a joy to me. Had you told me that 3 years ago, I would have laughed like you were crazy.

If I don't go to the gym, I miss it. Even on the days where I feel bad enough to stay home (like today), I want to be there instead. I'm seeing my body change--I even got compliments yesterday from someone I haven't seen in awhile! I feel better in some ways; while my aches & pains from my chronics are still here, I feel calmer. Now, all this exercise is making me DOG TIRED so I'm sleeping more, with naps. But hopefully my body will adjust and the fatigue will ease up eventually. And the endorphins ROCK MY WORLD.

I'm able to push myself a bit harder--I'm up to a quarter mile on the arc trainer (twice a week) and 1 1/2 miles on the treadmill. My heart rate has come down quite a bit on the treadmill, which is also a nice feeling to not have my heart feeling like it's pounding.

It's also relaxing to turn on the MP3 player and read (currently Memoirs of a Geisha) while I'm walking. Makes the workout fly by, and I feel so refreshed afterwards.

And let me tell you about my clothes :) Shirts are feeling loose--almost too lose. The sports bras I ordered--a bit too big HEE! And I ordered a shirt and sweater on clearance, which were 1 and 2 sizes smaller than I normally would order, but they were the only sizes available, and I figured I'd be ready to wear them when the weather got cooler. THEY. FIT. ::faint::

So I'm totally jazzed to post the Weekly Weigh-In. But first, a photo:

No, obviously that is NOT me. That's Big Red, and ladies, you know what I'm talking about. The hormones. The water retention. Weight gain. The wailing and gnashing of teeth as you step on the scale.

This week I KICKED HER ASS.

8/11/07: 290 lbs (-2)
2007 Weight Loss: -13 lbs
Goal 1: 17 pounds to go
Overall: 155 pounds until my Goal

The Fat Smash Diet is going well. Bread ::happy sigh:: Pasta ::grin:: CHOCOLATE ::swoon:: But I see how valuable the first 2 phases were because now I'm content with smaller servings, and not having lots of carbs. GM is down 16 pounds as well!

I even had lunch with Amanda yesterday, and was very happy with my 1/2 salad, whole grain bread and water. It can be a little trickier eating out, but not that much. And no guilt either ;)

Busted the Slump

2007-08-04T11:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the last day of Phase 2 of the Fat Smash Diet. In addition to everything we've been eating, on Phase 3 (4 weeks) we can have a serving of whole wheat pasta, whole grain bread, and ::gasp:: DESSERT. I lost a total of 3 pounds on Phase 2, for a total of 7 pounds lost on Dr. Ian's FSD. To be honest, I thought I'd lose more, but I can tell the past couple of days that I've lost inches. I had to buy some new gym shorts in the size I've been wearing--they feel loose. And I had to order some sports bras. So this new Life Plan (better than calling it a diet) is working!

Weekly Weigh-In:

8/4/07: 292 lbs (-1)
2007 Weight Loss: -11 lbs
Goal 1: 19 pounds to go
Overall: 157 pounds until my Goal

Thanks for all the encouragement during this frustrating plateau. I did a few things that seems to have worked--ate *more*, not less; upped the exercise; and tried not to stress about it. Not only did I relax more, I broke through the plateau and lost a "virgin pound" to boot!

Eating more--With the kids gone this week, we ate out a few times, but worked on making healthy choices and staying close to portions. We had THE most wonderful dinner at a Thai restaurant on Wednesday, and while we "went off the program", I didn't feel guilty like I had cheated. Sure enough, the next day, I had dropped a pound. And the chicken satay, spring rolls, Thai iced tea, and fried pineapple rice was so very good.

Then on Thursday we found an Organic/Raw/Vegan restaurant and decided it would be an adventure. (If you're in the Tampa Area, you can find it at www.eatgrassroot.com) Very differerent, and again, we ate things meant for Phase 3--bread, for one, and a vegetarian baklava. But TADA! down another pound. Organic tortilla chips, a "tuna" salad, Vegan spring rolls, fruit smoothies, and the BEST DAMN PB&J *ever* (With SB's peanut allergies, we don't keep PB in the house, so this was A TREAT!) Lovely family-owned restaurant and we'll definitely go back. On a side note, they sell ethnic jewelry, and I found the most gorgeous Ethiopian cross.

Eating on the FSD has been so liberating. In the past, when I tried to diet, I'd feel so hungry, so deprived that diets never lasted long, soon I was cheating and binging, and feeling worthless and hopeless. But doing this with GM has been a life-changing experience. I feel more in tune with my body and emotions. I have times of self-loathing and anxiety, but 20 yr old habits are so hard to break. And "eating off the plan" has been enjoyable in a way that no binge could ever match. Because I know there are no "bad" foods--just life in moderation, eating sensibly before, and then getting back on the plan afterwards.

I increased my time on the arc trainer up to 10 minutes. I found that increasing the tension actually made the workout easier on my joints, go figure. And I'm still doing 1.3 mi on the treadmill, increasing my speed.

Definitely attacking the plateau from different sides helped, whew!

July 2007 Wrap-Up

2007-07-31T18:19:00.000-07:00

Did I mention how I hate plateaus? You can take a look at my daily weigh-ins with my Traineo link in the sidebar. WHAT THE HECK?

I really don't understand what is going on with my body and I'm freaking out. Seriously. I bawled the other morning when the scale went back up a pound. My irrational fear is that I *can't* do this, no matter how hard I exercise, or how little I eat (and believe me, I don't want to eat lately). I don't *feel* bigger--my legs feel a bit more toned, my clothes feel fine, even a tiny bit looser.

I didn't get to the gym today--I found out a friend of mine is back in ICU and I cried myself sick (post on GMS2SA). Exercise tends to release more emotions, and I didn't want to break down at the gym. Prayers for her are greatly appreciated.

So the July Wrap-Up:

Lost 7 pounds (for a total of 9)
Went to the gym 15 days (I missed 7 days this month, ugh)

I'm scared to go to Phase 3 on Saturday; if I'm stuck now, what's it going to be like with pasta and bread (and cookies?). ::::Frustrated screech::::

Blasted Plateaus

2007-07-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

The scale Will. Not. Budge. Even when I threatened it with a killing curse. ::Grumble grumble::

I know I should be happy with today's Weekly Weigh-In. It's just that....SIX days of a plateau. And I didn't get to the gym yesterday due to a migraine.

7/28/07--293 lbs (-2)
2007 Weight Loss--10 lbs
Goal 1--20 lbs to go
Overall--158 lbs until Goal

I'm still sticking with the Fat Smash Diet--in fact, we have one week to go until Phase 3 (pasta! bread! cookies!) but this plateau makes me nervous. After last week's 4 day plateau, then dropping 2 lbs in 2 days, I wasn't worried. Until day 5 of this plateau. And I'm not eating everything I *could*.

Ok, off to think Positive Thoughts. And learn a better spell to perform on my scale ;)

Who will I be?

2007-07-27T17:14:00.000-07:00

I'm still so far from my goal, but some thoughts have been swirling in my head about what it will be like when I get there. Working out has been tough many days--a migraine kept me home today--but I'm so used to seeing the person in the mirror. I know I will still be me, but I don't know who I am under all this extra weight.

I love seeing shows with "before & after" photos. I love reading blogs of those who have changed so much since they lost weight. But I can't begin to comprehend what I will look like when I get to my goal. And I say "when" but in the back of my head it's always an "if".

I have a photo of me before my first date with GoalieMan, when I was 18. And DAMN I look good (in an 80's kind of way LOL), but I remember even then how unhappy I was with my body. But as I look at that photo, I still can't figure out how it will be when I'm back to that size. I'm 19 years older (dear God) and have had 2 kids. Shoot, even my old hair color is gone, replaced by alot of white. Even after plastic surgery, I'm not going to look like that girl again.

As I've gone over my medical records this week, I jotted down my weight at different periods of my life. And while I'm trying to quiet my self-hatred for letting things get so far, I still can't help but feel sad. Sad that my value was tied up with my size, that so many years were wasted hating what I had until it got worse, until the scale went higher than before. And sad that others judged me for that size instead of seeing me.

One thought that persisted this week was how doctors will see me--and my chronics--after significant weight loss. I can't tell you how many doctors have refused to help me, dismissing me with a "you need to lose weight". I always left, wondering what they would have done had I been thin. Will my chronics be better after losing weight? I'm not so sure, as there are plenty of thin people out there who have the same illnesses. Will the doctors take my pain and illnesses seriously? Or will they dismiss it as "all in my head" or worse yet, as a punishment for having been fat?

Ironically, I came across this post (thanks to FD) a few days ago, after contemplating the above. Thankfully I do have a primary doctor who treats *me*, not my size. In fact, I can't wait to show her how I'm doing when I go back in September ::grin:: Her writing moved me in so many ways--not only am I about her mom's size, but I've felt the sting of pain that has come from fat-phobic doctors. I even had one doctor who told me I couldn't lose the weight myself, that gastric bypass was my only hope. Sorry, I meant EX-doctor.

Being fat isn't comfortable, but that's who I know. I am impatient to see who I will be, but I have to admit, she's a stranger.

Go ahead....Ask.

2007-07-23T11:20:00.000-07:00

Ask me who's lost 10 pounds?

:::::Huge grin::::::

I've lost 5% of my overall goal, and 1/3 of Goal 1.

Toodles, I'm off to the gym!

Reward Yourself!

2007-07-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

First, it can be said that complaining is a valid form of exercise. Between yesterday's rant and today, I lost another pound WOO! Yes, Amanda you were right ;)

One of my friends, Sarah, brought up rewards in an earlier comment. I definitely agree--when you're working THAT hard to lose weight, treating yourself is a great way to keep up motivation. I mean, the health benefits are nice and all, but I am a material girl LOL.

Trying to lose over 160 pounds is SO very daunting. And if I try to look at the big picture, I freak. So breaking down my weight loss into "bite size chunks", and rewarding myself really keeps me focused and, well, not freaking so much. I like to make the rewards something that pampers myself--non-food related of course. When I hit each mini-goal, I make the reward something a bit more extravagant.

Goal 1 is 30 pounds, and I will reward myself at -10, -20, and -30 pounds lost. I am ONE pound away from 10 pounds, and I've already picked out my treat: A Slayer in Training shirt from Zazzle!

I have my hand-made one (in my profile pic) that works well at the gym, but I need one for everyday wearing (and hey, promote my blog!). Heh, you should see the looks I get from my other one. This one should turn heads ;) You can order your very own at the above link ::shameless promotion::

You Can't Always Get What You Want

2007-07-21T13:53:00.000-07:00

And yet, somehow, I doubt that my Weekly Weigh-In was what I needed, either.

7/21/07--295 lbs (-1)
2007 Weight Loss--8 lbs
Goal 1--22 lbs to go
Overall--160 lbs until Goal

I just don't get it. Call me bewildered even. No cheating, exercised 5 days this week, and yet had a 4 day plateau before Vold. allowed the scale to dip down a pound.

My emotional reaction is well, you're working your butt off and not seeing great results, go eat a peanut butter cup. And I haven't, so there's a small victory for the Fat Smash Diet. My wishful thinking is that I'm losing fat but gaining muscle (my legs look a bit more toned).

Thoughts? Ideas? Share your own frustrations with the Dreaded Plateau, please!

Stuck

2007-07-18T13:57:00.000-07:00

I hate plateaus. Three days, stuck at the same weight. And yet, 3 days in the gym. ARGH!

I know they don't last forever, but when you have such a long road ahead of you, getting your gym shoe caught in the mud is frustrating.

Despite getting a cute hair cut, I'm in a *mood* today. It's a bad headache day too. I was sitting here, tempted to go eat junk (NO I'm not an emotional eater! ::sarcasm button on::). But I was good, I got a bowl of cereal and it is very good and satisfying. So at least there's something good.

And speaking of my scale Voldemort, I had no idea how much gym clothes and shoes weighed. FOUR POUNDS.

Ok, so as not to be entirely negative, the scale isn't budging but my stomach is. Gotta keep reminding myself it's not all about the scale. AND my heart rate is down, down, down. Granted my top speed isn't that fast for some people--2.4 mph--but my heart rate is staying around 130. It had been about 145 when I started back at the gym a few weeks ago. Yay heart!

Tomorrow will be better. Or I may have to kick Voldemort's butt.

Life on Phase 2

2007-07-17T00:06:00.000-07:00

In one word, SWEET.

I did get to the gym and tried not to dribble from my water bottle, since my mouth was still numb from the dentist. I actually tried something new today--an Arc Trainer. MUCH easier than a traditional elliptical (I cannot do those to save my life). I only did 2 minutes on it (OW said my thighs and butt); I hope to eventually work up to more. Made the treadmill seem like a piece of cake LOL.

My daughter has drama camp this week, so I read a bit of The Hobbit (love it), listened to the soundtrack from Million Dollar Baby, and did 1.2 miles (an increase from Phase 1's 1 mile).

I did have to cheat a bit tonight--novacaine makes me really nauseous, so I wound up having some ginger ale. I hated having to do that (why can't chocolate cure nausea???) but GM assured me that it was better than feeling like I wanted to barf.

And yes, Amanda, cheese is GOOD, especially when it's Salsa Pepperjack. Three small slices (about 1 oz) but a little bit of Heaven.

Phase 2: Now with CHEESE!

2007-07-15T13:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, GM and I began Phase 2 of Dr. Ian's Fat Smash Diet. This phase will last 21 days, much longer than Phase 1. Dr. Ian's life plan for eating is like building blocks--you take the foods from the phase before, and add new ones, in appropriate serving sizes. The key to this phase is watching portions, not eating until you're stuffed (we can still eat 4-5 times a day) and upping the exercise. For me, this means increasing my time and distance on the treadmill--from 1 mile in 30 minutes, to 1.2 miles in 35 minutes. I haven't exercised as many times a week as he recommends (5 times a week) so I'm going to work harder at this, even though I know that there have been valid reasons I haven't gone (see the chaos that is my life on my other blog).

And now, we get to add back some of our favorites: Cereal (just not Cocoa Puffs), cheese (oh cheese how I love thee), granola, and MEAT MEAT MEAT. I so was not cut out to be a vegetarian/vegan. What's the saying? I love animals, but they are quite tasty. Again, portions are very modest--3-4 oz of meat once a day, 3 oz of seafood once a day. DUDE. We had wild salmon last night and are having King Crab Legs tonight. Again, I say, DUDE.

I am really happy to say that I lost another pound from yesterday's weigh in (WOO!). But I notice a huge difference in my appetite and cravings. I'm just not like "hungry hungry hippos" all day, and my cravings are way down. I still have my moments of "change anxiety" now and then and just remind myself that yes, I will have to be mindful of portions *always* and exercise *always* but I won't be starving myself, and I will be able to enjoy some less-healthy foods now and then. Portion control and everything in moderation.

I was going to post some photos, but the changes are so slight, I decided not to. My face is a little slimmer, and I can definitely feel a change around my waist. Ditto for GM.

Tomorrow I have a long dentist appointment, so I really want to go to the gym, but that may not happen. The rest of the week, though, is all clear for the gym.

Phased but not Crazed

2007-07-14T12:59:00.000-07:00

Goalieman and I did it--we made it through Phase 1 (9 days) of Dr. Ian's Fat Smash Diet. WOO! Some of the cravings were really rough (especially when faced with delicious smells near restaurants and the Publix Deli). Food Network has been forbidden for the time being LOL. And commercials.....AHHHHHHH! Lots of channel surfing.

But we did it. We didn't cheat, but we didn't get as much exercise as we wanted. So definitely room for improvement in Phase 2 (21 days).

I personally saw several benefits going through Phase 1:

no blood sugar crashes, even if I was hungry and not able to eat right away. Normally, I'm a shaky, cranky mess.
slightly more energy (which is definitely a plus with my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome)
sleep was a bit better
more satisfied with less food
better appreciation for more fruits and veggies in my diet

Ok, ok, so you're really here for the numbers, right? I would have liked to see better numbers from the past 9 days, but I am experiencing That Monthly Female Thing, and I didn't regain weight (normally around 3 pounds), so there's something.

For Phase 1 of The Fat Smash Diet:

Slayer-- lost 4 pounds
Goalieman--lost 8 pounds (snarl it with me ladies....MEN!)

I'll post more about Phase 2 tomorrow!

Voldemort, my scale, has been somewhat merciful with The Weekly Weigh-In:

7/14/07--296 lbs (-3)
2007 Weight Loss--7 lbs
Goal 1--23 lbs to go
Overall--161 lbs until Goal!

I only made it to the gym twice this week (crazy week) so I'm going to do better this week!

The great thing about about a bad day ending is you get a fresh start the next day. Be gentle with yourself, but be persistant :)

Blushing Slayer

2007-07-12T22:01:00.000-07:00

This baby blog is not quite a month old, and not only have I gotten some serious Blog Love for my weight loss efforts, but I got nominated for an award!

Fat Doctor nominated me for The Schmoozer Award ::Blushing, grinning, and teary-eyed:::

The description, taken from Lowdown from Lois, is:

“As it goes, schmoozing is the natural ability “to converse casually, especially in order to gain an advantage or make a social connection.” Good schmoozers effortlessly weave their way in and out of the blogosphere, leaving friendly trails and smiles, happily making new friends along the way. They don’t limit their visits to only the rich and successful, but spend some time to say hello to new blogs as well. They are the ones who engage others in meaningful conversations, refusing to let it end at a mere hello - all the while fostering a sense of closeness and friendship.... I've thought of some great people who have made me welcome and schmoozed their way into my blog and life that I'd like to give this most prestigious Power of Schmooze Award!”

I have to giggle some more now. Fat Doctor totally made my day. She's also my motivator on Traineo!

In the 2 1/2 years I've been blogging, I've pored through blogs, drawn into others' lives. I've laughed and been brought to tears. There are so many bloggers I gladly call friend.

I'm happy to pass the Schmooze Award to:

Amanda of It's All About the Walls (a friend before I knew what blogging was!)
Eric of Two World Collision (Squee!)
Buffi of Sugar Mommy (How could I not love someone named Buffi?)
Sarah (private blog......you *so* need to come to Florida!!)
Ann of RocRebelGranny (Whom I love to call Granny)

I have to go blush some more. It's my signature color, don'tcha know ;)

Different Path, Same Journey

2007-07-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

In theory, many of us needing to lose weight gained it the same way--more calories in than out. But we all have different reasons why we got there in the first place, and what we're doing to regain our true selves. Two bloggers have inspired me, one for quite some time, the other, just recently.

I've been reading Beth's blog, Melting Mama, for years. I support her choice to lose weight through Weight Loss Surgery, but I knew, due to my chronic illnesses, it wasn't the right choice for me. Seeing her beautiful transformation has been a driving force to continue. Her words have caused me to seriously think about my issues with food and how they needed to change. I am so grateful for her frankness and honesty about how hard weight loss is.

Thanks to Beth, I found a new blog, Big Girl in a Big City, written by Kim. She is preparing for WLS. Two recent posts hit so close to home, it physically hurt. My eyes teared up, my heart hurt, for myself and for the pain she encountered growing up as a "big girl". I don't know that I've ever read such exquisite words on the subject.

Meet Maddie
Letter to my Body

I've known that when I reach my goal, I will have lost half of me, more really. But Kim's post about "Maddie" made me realize there is a second person in my skin. That's a lot to take in.

If you haven't read their blogs, I hope you will check them out and find encouragement and inspiration as I have.

Lessons Learned

2007-07-07T21:33:00.000-07:00

Lessons I've Learned in 3 days on the Fat Smash Diet:

I really can go without chocolate for 72 hours and NOT DIE.
Tofu crumbles taste pretty good, if mixed in with the right thing (in this case, stuffed peppers)
Brown rice tastes almost normal to me now (though I don't know that I can totally give up jasmine or basmati)
I can't eat all the foods in one day that I *could* eat.
I can make pretty good choices even when *really* hungry--I did choose a "non-organic" yogurt smoothie and a Yoplait whips (Dulce de Leche) while shopping at Target, but they were healthier than all the other bazillion things that caught my eye. And the Whips--I will never mock the girls in the Yoplait commercials again. It was THAT satisfying. Both had HFCS, which is bad. But I refuse to feel like I "cheated".

However.....

Don't try to mix strawberries with plain skim milk. YUCK.
Concession food at a concert will make you crazy to the point you'll want to bite the guy walking around in a PopTart costume.
Plain oatmeal. Nuff said. That and I long for grits instead.

But we've made it 1/3 the way through Phase 1 which leads me to

THE WEEKLY WEIGH-IN! Much happier scale day than last week.

7/7/07--299 lbs (-2)

2007 Weight Loss--4lbs

Goal 1--26lbs to go

Overall--164lbs until I reach my goal weight!

So the new diet is paying off, as are my 3 trips to the gym this week. Parts of my body aren't happy, and are complaining too much to ignore, so I'm trying to take it easy.

Also, a note to readers--I'm going to try to reply to comments in the comments, so bear with me ;)

Independence Day

2007-07-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday might have been the 4th of July, but for myself and GoalieMan, today is "Independence Day". Today is the day we began Dr. Ian Smith's Fat Smash Diet. Dr. Ian is the nutritionist on VH1's Celebrity Fit Club (I loooove that show!)

For the next 9 days, we are declaring ourselves free from bad carbs, sugars, and fats. Essentially we are lacto-ovo-vegetarians. We can have eggs (whites only), dairy (fat-free) and all the fruits & veggies we want. Aren't we crunchy? ;)

When I thumbed through this book at Target, it just made so much sense, I bought it on Amazon and read the entire book in one sitting. You don't have to count calories. AT ALL. He walks you through each phase (there are 4) and tells you exactly what and how much you can have--and what you need to avoid. Every phase adds back in foods in sensible portions (Phase 2, meats; Phase 3, whole grain carbs and even cookies!). He even includes several good recipes for every phase.

You do have to exercise, but that only makes sense (anything that tells you 'no exercise' lies). Incorporating healthy eating and exercise is the only way to make weight loss stick for life. But you increase your exercise in baby steps along the way. For example, I'm walking 1 mile now in 30 minutes; in the next phase, I'll go up to 1.1 miles in about 35 minutes.

I know my first impression looking at the "Allowed foods" in Phase 1 was "whoa". But then creativity kicked in and for 9 days? Yeah, we can do this. Plus you eat 4-5 sensible portions a day. Here's today's menu:

Breakfast--1 cup of homemade oatmeal with vanilla rice milk and fresh blueberries. That got me through a workout at the gym with no problem!

Snack after gym--Low fat drinkable yogurt (this was more than the 6 oz allowed but we were out of yogurt and I figure I'll just skip my 2nd portion of yogurt for today). Also, bowl of fresh fruit (pineapple, strawberries & blueberries)

Lunch--organic baby greens with mango salsa, baby carrots

Still have a snack left, I will probably have some hard-boiled eggs minus the yolks.

Dinner--2 c brown rice with vegetable stir-fry, kiwis on the side, glass of milk with strawberries blended in (beats Nestle's Kwik!). Plus, MMMM watermelon!

Now, we plan dinners for 2 nights, so the rest of Phase 1's Dinners will be:

Red Beans & Rice

Ratatouille

Meatless Chili

Red peppers stuffed with tomatoes & rice

I whole-heartedly recommend this book if you're looking for a sensible, healthy eating plan for life. Anyone who says it's ok to have "bad foods" in moderation at the end of the 55 day plan--because really, that's life--is ok in my book ;) It's all about eating things that are good for you, exercise, and everything in moderation.

The Slayer in Training & GoalieMan on Day 1 of The Fat Smash Diet

The Zen of Working Out

2007-07-04T00:18:00.000-07:00

I mentioned before how much I LOVE my MP3 player--a Creative Zen Touch. 40 Gigs. Oh yeah, baby. One of the best things I've ever bought for myself, especially in terms of exercise.

Using one greatly enhanced my workout on the treadmill. Sometimes I needed high energy music to get me motivated, other times, soothing for a really stressful day (or a day with a bad headache), and still others, soundtracks if I brought a magazine to read. And let me tell you, there's something really, uh, special about listening to Pirates of the Caribbean while watching guys lift weights.

Since I've been out of the gym for a LONG while, I knew I'd need the high octane stuff until I get back into my groove and get a better endorphin rush. I picked songs that have a fast tempo, keep me going when I want to quit, and some that even make me feel sexy despite sweating ;) My "Workout Playlist" is quite long, perfect for my current 30-minute/1 mile workout. When I turn off my player, it's ready for the next session, with a new batch of songs so I don't get bored with the same tunes. I still haven't finished listening to the entire list, and I'll probably add a few more songs as I go.

Enjoy!
The Slayer in Training's Workout Playlist

Personal Jesus--Depeche Mode
Let the Bodies Hit the Floor--Drowning Pool
We Will Rock You--Queen
Ain't No Other Man--Christina Aguillera
Candy Man--C. Aguillera
Bitch--Meredith Brooks
Home--Marc Broussard
Cell Block Tango--Chicago Soundtrack (movie ver.)
Hot Mama--Trace Adkins
Rough & Ready--Trace Adkins
You Blew Me Off--Bare Jr. (Cruel Intentions Sndtrk)
Dangerous Man--T. Adkins
Swing--T. Adkins
Bad Day--Daniel Powter
Suspect--D. Powter
Let's Get it Started (Spike Mix)--Black Eyed Peas
Somebody to Love--Queen
Fat Bottomed Girls--Queen
Under Pressure--Queen
Here for the Party--Gretchen Wilson
Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)--Big & Rich
Stupid Girls--Pink
'Cuz I Can--Pink
Cry to Me--Solomon Burke (Dirty Dancing Sndtrk)
Lady Marmalade--Moulin Rouge Sndtrk
El Tango de Roxanne--Moulin Rouge Sndtrk
Don't Cha--PussyCat Dolls
Buttons--PCD
He's a Pirate--Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl
He's a Pirate (Ship Ahoy Tribal Mix)--POTC: Dead Man's Chest
Girl on the Verge--Sarah Hudson
I'll Take That as a Yes (Hot Tub Song)--Phil Vassar
How You Remind Me--Nickelback
Before He Cheats--Carrie Underwood
Songs About Me--T. Adkins
Baby I'm Home--T. Adkins
Honkytonk Badonkadonk--T. Adkins
Can't Hold Us Down--C. Aguillera
Fighter--C. Aguillera
Dirrty--C. Aguillera
Not Ready to Make Nice--Dixie Chicks
London Bridge--Fergie
Call Me When You're Sober--Evanescence
Danger Zone--Kenny Loggins (Top Gun Sndtrk)
About Us--Brooke Hogan
She Hates Me--Puddle of Mudd
My Humps--Black Eyed Peas
Pump It--Black Eyed Peas
Still Rock & Roll to Me--Billy Joel
Pressure--B. Joel

Yes, I did just admit that I like the PCD and Fergie ::Blush::

I did say Ups and Downs, didn't I?

2007-06-30T19:48:00.000-07:00

Today's Weekly Weigh-In brought to you by the letters THHHPPPPPPPPPTTTT!

6/30--301 (+2)
2007 weight loss-- 2 lbs
Goal 1--28 pounds to go
Overall--165 pounds until I reach my goal weight

Yes, that would be frustration seeping out of my ears! I did work out 4 days this week, and was pretty good about eating. I think the gain in weight came from a few things. The week before, I hadn't been feeling well, so I think the 4 lbs lost was more than my body was ready for. Also, I tend to gain muscle pretty quick, and as GM likes to tell me, muscle weighs more than fat.

The good news is that I didn't go back to my starting weight. I stayed steady all week. And I can already feel a few minor differences here and there, like how my shorts feel, and my saddlebags feel a tad bit lighter LOL.

I've kept track of my progress since I started the gym back in 2004. Sure enough, my body did the same thing back then. In fact, it took me 3 weeks to lose 4 lbs back then. Whew, not freaking out so much anymore. I've also been tracking my progress over at Physics Diet (sn there is slayer_in_training) and I've stayed under "the blue line" which is good. They use averages instead of actual pounds lost to allow for normal weight fluctuations, which is also comforting ;)

A few people have commented about The Dreaded Scale. I've not owned one in 15 years, and at first, that was good. While I didn't have a full-blown eating disorder, you might say I was Bulimic-Lite. I would binge (but never throw up) and then try not to eat. Fortunately the worst I ever did to myself was do a few days' stint on Dexatrim, and then passed out in GM's dorm. His acceptance of me--not to mention getting upset at what I was trying to do to myself--saved me from me. Until I could accept myself, for the most part, fat and all.

But I think in the long run, not having a scale made it easy for me to ignore my weight gain until I faced it at the doctor's office. I don't know if it would have made a difference, but it might have been far less humiliating, at least with the fat-phobic doctors. I wouldn't have been so....blindsided.

I think I started developing a healthier relationship with the scale when I was pregnant with Superboy. My care was with a Midwife, and it was our responsibility to weigh ourselves at appointments. What a novel idea--actually involving the patient with their visit! Later, it came with my current Primary Doc, with weigh-ins at every visit, but no shame.

So it has been hard not to weigh myself all the time, and I have tested it out at different times, just to see what my body does with all that food and water. But I see it as a partner, even though I get frustrated and try to remind myself that the number on the scale isn't the only important thing right now.

I'm working on regaining the strength I had months ago, reminding my heart that it really can work more efficiently, and pushing through the first 10 minutes, which seem to be the toughest. Drama Queen was the first to start feeling the endorphins, and by Thursday, I remembered why I liked walking on the treadmill so much. Friday's natural high felt *great*.

So take THAT, scale.

I'm not hard to please

2007-06-27T23:34:00.000-07:00

I was cleaning up the bedroom, and told GM he could recycle the box the scale came in. I tend to keep boxes for a week (or 20) to make sure whatever product works.

Me: Even though I don't like the scale right now ::glaring at scale on the floor:: I guess we'll keep it.

GM: Is there ever going to be a time when you *do* like the scale?

Me: Yes, when it reads 135, then it will be MY BEST FRIEND.

Feel the Fear & Do it anyway

2007-06-27T14:23:00.000-07:00

A comment I hear alot (both online and IRL) when I mention I go to a gym is "Oh I could *never* work out in a gym!" I get the sense that most of the time that fear is from self-consciousness. And let me tell you, if this fat chick can do it--so can anyone :)

I understand where that fear comes from. Remember, I'm often the biggest person in the room, any room, and that was no exception when I joined the gym nearly 3 years ago. Then, I was assigned a tall, willowy personal trainer, who also happened to have FMS. I thought, there is no way this is going to work. But it did. She never judged me, and instead, inspired me to keep going--even when the weight fluctuated, even when I felt bad. Back then, my weight was around 320 (which was not my highest--that, I estimate was around 330+).

Not once did anyone make me feel like I didn't belong there. No snarky comments, no cruel looks. Instead, I got lots of positive reinforcement. When I've been out for an extended period (like this year), the staff will notice I'm back and are glad to hear I'm feeling better so that I can work out.

And I'm not the biggest person at the gym any more. So my hard work is paying off, even if it is slow.

So here's The Slayer in Training's Guide to Gyms & Battling Gymphobia:

Look for a family-friendly gym. More often than not, you'll find all shapes, sizes, and ages there. And look for corporate discounts, reimbursements, and specials.
Don't rule out co-ed. I was a member of a women's-only gym and never felt welcomed. As a bonus, the eye candy can be a nice distraction during a workout ;) (GM knows this. I'm just not allowed to drool.)
Remember that everyone is there to workout too. More often than not, they are so focused on themselves, they really won't pay attention to you (I'm discreet with my oogling, really!) I've been hit on 3 times at the gym (2 guys and a woman). I politely let them know in the discussion how much my husband supported me in my workouts (which chased them off). Honestly, I was a little flattered.
You can't beat working out in air conditioning. My favorite treadmill has a fan above it. I would DIE in the FL heat. Plus the treadmill is much more gentle on my ankles and knees. And my gym has a bunch of really cool classes that DQ and I are going to take together.
Don't worry about comparing yourself to others--looks, pace, whatever. You are there to improve your health. It's not a contest. Keep track of your improvements--weight is a natural choice, but check measurements, heart rate, blood pressure, cholesterol. Health is more than a number on a scale.
Enjoy your workouts! I *pink puffy heart* my MP3 player, and often will take a book or magazine to read on the treadmill (I was so proud to be able to multi-task LOL). Before I know it, my workout is over, and I've had some valuable time to myself.
Be comfortable--my traditional gymwear is a pair of bike shorts from Woman Within, and a guy's tshirt from Walmart. But I do admit that because of my feet issues, I'm a shoe snob and will pay for a good supportive walking/running shoe. My feet love me now.
Drink plenty of water, make sure you're not hungry before or after a workout. Your body needs energy to exercise, and eating actually boosts your metabolism (keep it healthy of course).
Reward yourself, for the little and big goals.
Little things matter--I have a keytag on my gym bag to remind me how much weight I've lost. It's nice to see when I'm POOPED after a workout. I also use cute handtowels for wiping off "the glow". Nothing says "I'm having fun" like using a towel with various tropical drinks on it ;)
Pamper yourself afterwards--you did it! Not only should you reward yourself for making a healthy choice, but you should pamper your body. It is so refreshing to come home and take a shower, using one of my many MANY soaps & shower gels (it's an addiction--hush GoalieMan).

Today was a short workout--20 minutes of brisk walking. I had to cut it short because of an appointment with the allergist. But some exercise is better than none!

These Shoes were made for Walkin'

2007-06-26T15:59:00.000-07:00

I went to the gym today :) It's all about the little victories too, right?

Today was Drama Queen's first visit; we'll sign her up for a membership this week--something she's looked forward to since she turned 12. You might call it "Take your daughter to workout" day LOL

We walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes; she totally smoked me in speed. I'm lucky to get up to about 2 mph, she wasn't breaking a sweat at 3 mph. I'm glad for that--all these years of keeping her in physical activities has produced a healthy, fit pre-teen. Quite the opposite of what I looked like at her age.

I hurt a bit tonight but it's good to be back on the wagon.

I was excited to get a package from Amazon today--I purchased copies of The Fat Smash Diet by Dr. Ian Smith (from Celebrity Fit Club) and The Biggest Loser (on clearance!) which contains tips, exercises and recipes from the show. I have a bit of a crush on Blue Trainer Bob ;)

I'm looking into another diet from Whole Foods Farmacy (see sidebar); it's a bit pricey, so I'm not sure which I'll do first. Logistically, it may make more sense to do Phase 1 of FSD, then the WFF 13 day diet, then continue with FSD, based on foods you are encouraged to eat on both. Either way, I will post full reports on them.

I'm not a "diet" fan. The idea of "forbidden foods" makes my OCD cuh-razy. But the idea of changing what my body craves, and changing some bad habits (like not eating enough fresh fruits) is very appealing--which is what both programs offer. Moderation--not banning certain foods--is the key.

My weight has been fluctuating this week (see: cuh-razy). But I've been drinking a ton of water--it's in the mid-90's here. I'm trying not to obsess every day and remind myself it's the end of each week that counts.

As for meals, we're starting to change even more things. Ok. So I had some of the new Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon bun ice cream last night. But tonight, for dinner we're having spinach salad with mango & grilled chicken, with brown rice & beans on the side.

My husband, Goalieman, may do the FSD with me. He's got far less to lose than I do, but a family history of cholesterol issues. It is so much easier doing this with his support, encouragement, and love.

I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again

2007-06-25T19:43:00.000-07:00

Today, my grand return to the gym.......didn't happen.

When I awoke with a migraine this morning, I took my 1st level pain meds, stuck an ice pack on my face, and conked out again. By 3:30, I conceded defeat, took my vicodin and conked out again.

I've gone to the gym with CFS/FMS pain, and even headaches. But migraines are a whole different beastie. I made that mistake once--and worse yet, hubby had dropped me off at the gym while getting a minor repair on the car. By the time he picked me up, I just wanted to curl up and die. (Those migraine commercials are a *joke*.)

I feel disappointed, like I failed myself. I know it's just one day, but when you're all psyched up and mentally ready and then you face a setback, well I lose my patience.

So, as Scarlett O'Hara says, "Tomorrow is another day".

37 Reasons

2007-06-24T18:43:00.000-07:00

A recent post on Fat Doctor really inspired me to share some of my reasons that I want--and need--to lose weight. Feel free to use your own age and blog about your reasons--leave a link in the comments!

37 Reasons why I'm a Slayer in Training and losing weight:

To be there for my husband and 2 children--now and in the future.
So when my husband calls me "One Hot Mama", I'll actually feel like I am.
Shopping at nearly any store I want to for clothes (yes, I *am* a material girl LOL).
While it may not make my FMS pain go away, it will certainly help (and keep things from getting worse).
Shopping at Victoria's Secret for Lingerie (see #2)
Fitting into a normal wetsuit and learning how to Scuba-dive
Being able to go horseback riding again
Get some serious nip/tuck (gravity is *not* my friend!)
Live longer and be healthier (hey these aren't in any particular order)
Sit comfortably in a desk (either at my kids' school or when I go back to school myself).
Buy a regular bathing suit. No skirts!
Feel comfortable wearing sleeveless shirts
Get back into some of my very favorite dresses (kept for sentimental reasons)
Be able to wear my original wedding ring (it needs to be reset and was just too snug).
Feel comfy in a bathtub
Wear a pair of jeans (and show off a smaller badonkadonk!)
Be able to ride a bike again (and that includes using an exercise bike more comfortably)
Get my belly button pierced (don't laugh too hard ::grin::)
Inspire others
Not be the fattest person in the room
Look better for the next time I have to have my driver's licence picture taken (old picture was taken in 1992!)
Easier to sew for myself
Help be a good role model for my kids
Feel more comfy in the cheap hockey seats!
Feel more confident about auditioning for the local theatre (my health keeps me from doing this too, so it's not just about how I feel I look)
Keep doctors from blaming things on my weight
Avoid health problems that so far I've been able to avoid (I've been LUCKY)
Look better for my 20th HS reunion (I know I won't be at goal, but better is better)
Not dread being weighed
Get fit enough to do a mission trip to Africa
Hike (part of) Mt. Kilimanjaro in Africa (we'll see if my ankles will cooperate)
Be able to walk all the steps up the Eiffel Tower in Paris
Buy cute French clothes while in France ;)
Use a regular BP cuff at the doctor's office
Not worry if a seat belt will fit
Make heads turn--for the right reasons ;)
Be the best me I can be.

It's good to have FRIENDS

2007-06-23T14:35:00.000-07:00

My friends, let me say how your comments brought me happy happy tears. It is so good to feel loved and encouraged. Prior to this blog, only my husband and medical team knew my actual weight, and there is a fear that if anyone knew, they wouldn't see *me* anymore. So, Amanda, Fat Doctor, Granny, Eric, Mamacita, Sarah and Debbie, thank you. I totally Pink Puffy Heart you all!

And now it's time for the Weekly Weigh-In!
6/23--299 lbs (-4 lbs)
Goal 1--26 pounds to go (I chose 30 lbs because it is roughly 10% of my starting weight. Read the benefits here at WebMD!)
Overall--162 pounds until I reach my goal weight.

So! While I didn't get to the gym this week, I had several things working in my favor:

End of Big Red (ladies, you know what I mean!)
End of using steroids
Bad tummy reaction to Singulair (kids, don't try this at home)
2 days of shopping (yes I consider that a mild workout lol)
Paying more attention to my portions, now that I have a Blog and a Scale keeping me more on track

Thanks to Amanda, I checked out what's known as The Hacker's Diet--which isn't really a diet per se, but lots of nifty tools and graphs. I joined PhysicsDiet.com and it's very effective for those daily ups & downs that are normal. My weight ranged from 303-298 this week, but using their graph, I see a nice slow downward trend.

I'm hitting Walmart tomorrow in search of gym shorts (hey, another workout LOL). My workout playlist is all ready on my MP3 player. Monday, here I come, gym!

Stay tuned for a Meme started by Fat Doctor--you are an inspiration Doc!

A Long Way to Go

2007-06-21T12:54:00.000-07:00

So what *is* a "Slayer in Training"?

Buffy the Vampire Slayer has been on of my favorite shows of all time. Now by all outer appearances, there are very few similarities between me and the fit, toned, thin, athletic Slayer. But something about the show resonated with me, how I fight my own demons with my chronic illnesses. So I was delighted when I joined the gym and was able to watch reruns of the show. I could focus on Buffy's trials and forget about the pain and exhaustion I felt during exercise.

When my chronic headaches struck, I became the Headache Slayer. No matter how many headaches I tackle, there's another to take its place. And I found taking off each pound, forcing myself to go to the gym, dealing with the aftermath just as daunting. Identifying with The Slayer just made sense. I didn't ask to have all these chronic issues, but I'm the one who has to fight them.

And maybe, one day, I'll be able to kick a little ass, just like Buffy. Even if it's just kickboxing and not vampires.

I've always intended to get back on the wagon, but it was a quote I read on someone's blog that motivated me to start this blog. The person felt that the only way a morbidly obese person could lose weight was through weight loss surgery. I've even researched it for myself, and came to a different conclusion than others. I completely support those who choose that path--it's not an easy one by any means. For myself, I truly felt that I would be worse off, that my path had to be a change in lifestyle, a change in eating and exercise.

The Inpspiration in my sidebar lists all types of paths--those who have had WLS, those who incorporated different diets and exercise. I'll also include Recommended Reading. Have a weight loss/healthy living blog? Let me know!

Everyone's path to a healthier life may be different. But I hope that Slayer in Training will not only motivate me to keep up the good fight, but show others that it's possible to change without having surgery, should they choose to.

How am I planning on doing this?

Weighing myself regularly. I've never owned a scale because of my OCD issues with food and weight. I have a nice, new scale (Homedics) and will weigh myself 1st thing in the morning.

I will post the change in my weight at the end of the week. Yes, I'm actually going to put my weight out there in the blogosphere. Be kind.

Post updates on my goals--looking at the big picture is far too daunting. Breaking up the amount into less intimidating amounts has worked well for me.

Food changes. I've looked into 2 different eating plans that make sense to me, ones that I can actually live with always, a true lifestyle change.

Posting on Physics Diet (thanks Amanda!) as well as documenting my progress on charts on my computers. You see the overall changes which is encouraging.

Pictures! I haven't decided on the frequency, but I will post photos as the weight comes off.

With that being said, here are the first photos:

My starting weight: 303 lbs

My goal weight: 135 lbs

First Goal: 30 lbs.

In The Beginning.....

2007-06-18T20:53:00.000-07:00

I was not always a plus-size gal.

I was probably average until about 3rd grade when I started growing out faster than I was growing up. I wasn't very active outside of normal school things. I wasn't athletic or even all that graceful (so much for dance lessons LOL). The typical overachieving bookworm.

I didn't really hate exercise until middle school when I had a really mean PE teacher who fawned over the athletes and penalized those of us less gifted. She would make us run so much during the "fitness tests" that I would overdo it and go home sick. It was the one time all my work never paid off. I got a C. I was mortified.

So began my upwards trend of gaining weight, self-hatred, and generally feeling like a failure. I married an incredibly supportive man who loves me, all of me. Those of you who are regulars on my other blog Give Me Something to Sing About know about my health issues--Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Daily Headache, and more recently, chronic bronchitis, mono, and allergies. All those, plus medications, and years of not eating well, added up. BIG time.

In Fall of 2004, I began my new journey of learning to love exercise (treadmills are my *friend*) and changing how I ate. Despite hurricanes, and developing CDH, I didn't quit. I found a confidence in myself, a drive I didn't know was there.

Last year, I began getting sick frequently, about every other month. By the time 2007 rolled around, I had little energy for home, let alone the gym. But I finally feel more like myself. I'm ready to get back to the gym, change even more of my lifestyle, and get this weight OFF.

I did regain some of my old weight, but not all. I have a brand-new pair of gym shoes waiting to be worn. My daughter, Drama Queen, will be joining me this summer as my junior cheerleader ;)

I even bought a scale.

I don't want to dwell on so much of the past, on wishing I had been more active, or kicking myself for some things that I really can't control.

What I can do is give myself a fresh start. I only fail if I quit.

So that, dear readers, is why I am here. I've got nothing to lose but some of my badonkadonk ;)

Welcome!

2007-06-15T19:09:00.000-07:00

I have some preparation left to do--both in real life and on this blog. A little preview: After starting my weight loss journey 3 years ago, and many ups and downs in my health lately, I'm ready to get back on the treadmill. I'm working on a whole new me!

Stay tuned :)